I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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