I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
