she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
