she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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