He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
