Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
