The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
