I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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