They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize