Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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