Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
