i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
