She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
