If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
