1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
