i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Life is so much better after having sex.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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