i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
