I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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