And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
