i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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