i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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