at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
