Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
