Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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