Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
