i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
