I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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