sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
