Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
