Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
