so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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