If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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