I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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