If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
