Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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