That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
