I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
