Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
3pm strippers are depressing
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
