Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Randomize
