I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
