Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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