So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
this will be a night to untag.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
