I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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