He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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