why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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