I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I stole a fireplace last night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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