you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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