fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
