I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
