I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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