Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
