Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
