Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
