Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
