dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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