I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
