Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Who died my cat blue again?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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