Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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