He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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